Never Regret
by Linneam
Summary: After nearly seven years of utmost loathing, Lily Evans is suddenly not so sure that James Potter is the man she made him out to be. And for some reason, that thought scares her more than anything.
1. Chapter 1

**Now that this story is finished, I'm going to condense everything into one author's note here, so the others are bold-print free. :) **

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hogwarts, the characters = Not mine. Plot is mine, for the most part, but that brings me to my second note.  
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**Though the end of chapter two marks the end of her influence, I owe a huge thank you to Hiei'sRedRose. She played an important role in the creation of this story. The idea for this story came from a writing game we were playing and was a mixture of our minds. I have changed it a great deal, and it is all in my own writing, but it started with our role play and certain parts remain very much like what we started with. I need to give credit where credit is due, so thank you, Krissery for your part in the creation of this story and for allowing me to write it and make it my own. Now, onto the story.**

**Also a HUGE thanks to Neonorne and Nessa, who reviewed and edited bits of this story (and pushed me to rewrite a chapter or two, which I did). They helped me make it what it is, which is something I am proud of and thankful for. Thanks guys.**

**Finally: REVIEW! :) Thanks.**

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Dawn peaked early in the Gryffindor common room, though it seemed only one pair of startlingly emerald eyes was awake to enjoy it. Lily Evans perched contentedly on the arm of her favorite chair, the one nearest the blazing fire. Her warmly-socked feet rested in what was usually the seat, and a partially written essay lay strewn across her lap.

"Protean charms, protean charms," the red-head murmured to herself, flipping quickly through her Charms textbook and finally settling on a page towards the end of the text. "Ah! Protean- what are you lot doing up so early, Potter?"

Through the porthole, three muddy young men entered the common room, each looking thoroughly exhausted. The leader of these, however, had a smug grin on his face, which dimmed slightly as the Head Girl snapped at him.

"Just out for a morning stroll, Evans," the Head Boy replied, his grin returning as he ran his hand through his already messy black hair. "We're allowed, you know."

She rolled her eyes, but in seconds, she realized exactly what he had to be seeing. She was shoeless and scattered, and her hair was pulled into the messy bun she wore only when she was sure no one was around. And hadn't Potter been there last week when she'd lectured the third year for sitting exactly as she was now? Oh, of course he had. He'd been setting her back two steps for every one she made that day, from encouraging the girl to stay as she was to teaching her equally unfit ways to sit in a chair while her butt remained in the seat.

Frowning, she slipped off the chair and stood, staring him straight in the eyes. "I've been here for an hour, Potter. You never left. Don't you realize you're Head Boy now? You're supposed to be enforcing the rules, for Merlin's sake! You can't take off for the grounds at night and just- Potter? Potter! Are you listening at all?"

He muttered a far off, "What? Oh yeah, sure," and his best friend, Sirius, started laughing behind him.

"Just go to breakfast, Potter," she muttered with a frustrated sigh, looking back to the Charms text. "Or more likely to bed, as I'm guessing you haven't been yet."

"I'd rather stay right here, Evans," Potter answered lazily, plopping haphazardly in the chair next to hers and sending her spare quill messily to the floor. His friends, however, retreated up the stairs to the boys' dormitory, and she found herself wishing he'd join them.

Still, Lily didn't- and wouldn't, for fear of giving him satisfaction- bother to look up from the paragraph she was reading, though it probably meant reading these same words six or seven times. "Oh you would, would you?"

"Yep." James craned his neck to catch a glimpse of the parchment she was now scribbling furiously on, but because of her resumed armchair perch, he apparently couldn't make out the writing. "What are you working on?"

"Professor Flitwick's essay on Protean Charms." She fought the instinct to look up at him as she spoke and instead continued to copy a quote from the text.

"Essay?" James froze, looking confused as he tried to remember the assignment. "I don't remember there being an essay."

"Of course you don't." Lily frowned, finally granting him the slightest reproachful glare. The boy never listened. He was rude and arrogant, and he caused nearly all the trouble she had spent her last three years trying to prevent. The James Potter in front of her, the cocky jerk, was the same boy she had detested for nearly as long as she remembered. But much to her dismay, this was not the only side of James Potter, and while she hated this persona, she had grown almost overly-fond of his other fronts, the ones she saw when he didn't know she was looking. The loyal friend who somehow managed to coax the less-talented Peter through his lessons as well as completing his own; the brilliant wizard whose talents had only expanded as they aged; and the generally kinder person who actually helped in his duties- sometimes- that had come out in the last year were beginning to captivate her, but she didn't allow herself to know them. _He_ didn't allow her to know them.

The only side of James Potter he revealed around her was the arrogant teen who had never worked to achieve half of what he had. His appearance, his talents, and even his class work always seemed to fall together without so much as a thought from him. She never saw him frantically pulling together an essay, but she always saw the perfect O result on his finished project. And that wizard, the one who had never put in a day's work in his life, was unbearable to be around. If she had the chance to meet the other James Potter, the one only his friends seemed to have found, she might have done exactly what he'd wanted; she might have fallen for him. But as it was, he made it very easy to prevent that.

"He assigned it last class. It's due on Monday."

"You mean Monday, as in two days from now?" the stunned-looking teen asked, small amounts of worry etching it's way onto his face. "I don't remember him saying anything. With Remus being, erm, ill, I was thinking about a few other things." Then, as soon as the worry came, it seemed to evaporate. "Oh well. I'll get it done. Nothing to panic about."

Lily found herself feeling almost sorry for him, a fact she blamed on the appearance of his 'loyal friend' side she'd grown rather attached to in the last year And though she knew he could probably do it on his own, she also knew that with her help it might be faster. "Do you want help on your essay, Potter?"

"Help? From you?" He raised his eyebrow at her. "You'd help me?"

"Only if you keep your cheek to yourself," she snapped, her usual irritation returning. "An hour before dinner, alright? Meet me in the library."

"Library, an hour before dinner. Got it." James offered her a bright grin. "I'm going to go to bed then, Evans. Good night." His face still glowing, he retreated to the top of the stairs before her voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Do _not _make me regret this Potter. Understood?"

He paused for a moment, and as he ducked into the seventh years' dormitory, he gave a very direct reply:

"Understood."


	2. Chapter 2

"I can't believe I offered this," Lily muttered to herself, grumpily pulling out her Charms notes and staring at the clock. The time came; a minute passed. Then another. Finally, on the third, a thoroughly disgruntled James Potter came all but sprinting through the library, probably to Madam Pince's horror.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" Potter exclaimed loudly, sliding into the seat next to her. "I, um, got distracted."

Lily glared at him, combining her anger toward him for his tardiness with her anger toward herself for allowing this meeting to happen in the first place. "I thought I told you not to make me regret this, Potter. I thought you underst-"

"Before you go on your full out rant," James interrupted smugly, "I may as well give you all of your fuel. I was distracted finishing the essay. The Marauders and I worked on it most of the afternoon."

A new level of fury flooded her veins, and she rounded on him. "You WHAT? You make me come all the way down here, have me sitting here waiting on you, and _then_ you tell me you're wasting my time anyway! Do you have any sense of courtesy, Potter? Even an ounce? I can't _believe _you."

"And I," a harsh voice snapped from behind her, "cannot believe you of all people, Miss Evans, would make this much noise in a library." Madam Pince stared down her nose at the furious teen, showing clear disappointment; she and Lily had always gotten along nicely until now. "Out. Both of you. Get out now."

With another infuriated glance at James, Lily gathered her papers and swept out of the library, leaving a stunned silence in her wake. Within seconds, James was on her heels, shouting, "Evans, wait! Lily!"

She froze momentarily before turning on him. "What? What could you possibly want Potter? Haven't you caused enough problems today?"

For a brief second, she thought she detected a bit of remorse in his eyes, but he blinked and it was gone, replaced instead by a mischievous glint. "I was going to suggest, Evans, that I learn _something_ today. Just not about Protean Charms."

"About what then? That's the only homework we were assigned for the weekend." Lily shifted impatiently from one foot to the other, feeling very ready to be away from Potter and his general... Potter-ness.

"About you."

That same, full-of-himself grin covered his face again, but she returned it with an angry glare. "No."

"Please, Evans?"

Lily attempted to stare him down, glaring straight through his sparkling hazel eyes. But in them, she could not see any of the cockiness that had plagued her life for the last six years, and she was forcibly reminded of the concern for Remus she'd seen in those same eyes that morning. "Fine. But you don't get to ask all the questions."

"Deal." His answer was immediate, and his eyes were shining. She couldn't believe she was doing this, and she had a horrible feeling Potter felt the same. "But you have to answer honestly. _And_ you have to answer all of the questions you ask me."

Lily rolled her eyes. Of course. "Fine. But the same rules for you. And Potter?"

"Hm?"

"Don't you _dare _make me regret this. Understood?"

James grinned, the smugness returning. "Understood. Now, favorite color?"

He pulled her over to the wall, and they settled on the ground, leaning contentedly against it. From there, the questions began flying. He dragged out of her not only her favorite color, blue, but also her favorite memory of receiving her Hogwarts letter and her greatest fear of losing her loved ones. In return, she'd learned that when he was little, he'd always feared heights until he rode his first broomstick and that the things he hated most, apart from Severus Snape, were the Dark Arts. But the questions still had yet to cease.

"Alright, Evans. What's your family like?"

Lily paused. Hm. She never really talked about her family here. "Well, there's not much to tell. My parents are Muggles. Mom's a florist, and Dad teaches at the local high school. Then there's my older sister, Petunia. She and I used to be inseparable, but after I got my letter, we kind of... Grew apart, I guess. She thinks wizards are a lot of freaks and nutters, myself included. I miss her some days, but I suppose it's her choice."

She spoke very casually about her sister's new phase of hatred, but really, she missed her sister more than she would admit even to herself. In her monthly letters home, she would always send a hello; Petunia never answered.

"But what about you, Potter? What's your family like?"

James frowned as she spoke, but Lily couldn't entirely read it. As soon as he answered, however, she dismissed the thought. "My parents are wonderful. They've always taken care of me and given me everything I could ever need or want. And they're it. Unless you count Sirius." A wry grin spread across his face. "Padfoot moved in a summer or so ago, and they treat him just like a second son. It's the same, I think, as having a brother. Sirius practically has been since I met him."

Lily smiled. She couldn't say she was surprised. She knew bits and pieces of Sirius's home life, and the fact that he and Potter were practically brothers was common knowledge throughout the school. The only thing that even remotely puzzled her was how the Potters could handle both of them at once. "I can see that. What do you want to do after we leave Hogwarts?"

James paused, then he grinned broadly. "I'd love to be an auror. I've heard, though I don't know everything, that Dumbledore has started a society to stop You-Know-Who, and I want to help. Being an auror seems like the best way to do that."

Before she could help it, her eyebrows rose. "Don't you generally _cause_ the trouble, though?" Even with the light joking, she felt a pang of worry work its way through her. Like him or not, Lily had never- well, never _seriously- _wished death on James Potter, but with the career he'd chosen, it seemed almost inevitable. Though she couldn't explain it, the idea terrified her.

That unavoidable conceit worked its way back onto his face. "You've noticed, huh?"

"Oh, of course I've noticed," she muttered, exasperated. "You always make sure I do. It's nothing to be proud of, you know."

But still, she could see the pride shining in his eyes, and the fact that she'd noticed at all had probably made his day. Lovely.

"But what about you, Evans? Where are you headed?"

"I want to make a difference," she answered immediately. "And the best place I can think of for that is the Ministry. I mean, there is so much happening right now, and even without that, some of the 'current' legislation is anything but. It's damaging the lives of innocent people, and no one else is doing a thing. It's ridiculous."

James' smile seemed to dim a bit, but his eyes continued to sparkle. "I can see that. Just do me a favor, would you?"

"Hm?"

He dropped the smile all together for this one and instead stared her straight in the face. "Do something to help the werewolves. I have a relative, very distant and all, and that legislation is making his life unlivable, and it will only get worse."

Lily couldn't hide the surprise that crossed her face, but she felt her mouth break into a wide grin. "Gladly, Potter. Gladly."

James grinned, but when he spoke, it had nothing to do with werewolves or future plans. "So, I think it's your turn again, Evans."

"But I just asked!" she complained, not wanting to come up with another question yet. "It's your turn."

"Rubbish," James answered childishly. "I asked you to do me a favor, and you asked what. That covers both of us answering one of my questions. Which means, Miss Evans, it is your turn again."

At that precise moment, her stomach growled, and she immediately new her next question. "Fine. Can we go to dinner now, Potter?"

James laughed, standing up and offering her his hand. "Fine, but I have one more question for you, Evans."

"What's that, Potter?" she asked, accepting his help up gratefully; her foot had fallen asleep.

"Did I make you regret it?"

Lily smiled. "Not at all, James. Not at all."


	3. Chapter 3

The Great Hall teemed with life as Lily crossed it and seated herself at the Gryffindor table. Today had been surprisingly pleasant, perhaps even good. If only for an hour, Lily had finally seen first-hand the hidden James she'd missed for nearly seven years. And in that one too-short hour, she had grown to like that James very, very much.

Practically glowing, she settled into her usual spot next to her best friend Alice and Alice's longstanding boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, both of whom gave her startled looks. "Didn't you just get back from helping James with his essay?"

"Yes... But how'd you know about that?" Lily's eyebrows rose. She certainly hadn't told anyone, and no one else had been in the common room that morning, unless James...

Frank chuckled, looking between his girlfriend and Lily with a kind smile and entirely halting her thought process. "James was practically shouting this morning when he came to bed. He told Sirius everything about what happened after they'd left, and once they were up, he bragged about it to anyone who would listen. Kept saying he couldn't believe you'd finally agreed to go out with him. I'd never seen him so happy. I reckon he let the whole school know."

"But the real question," Alice began, "is how it went? They were finishing their essay in the commons today, so I'm assuming you didn't work on that. What happened?"

Lily felt oddly stung. She knew, somewhere in her, that she should have expected this. Of course Potter would make a big deal about it to his friends and the rest of the school; that was only natural. What she hadn't expected was to see past the braggart who _would _do something like that and instead see a man whom she moderately respected. And after spending an hour with that man, she had almost forgotten the braggart existed.

"We- We talked for an hour. That's all," she admitted, not willing to acknowledge that they'd enjoyed themselves, even laughing together at times. In light of this oddly surprising information, she didn't want to admit to anyone that it had been fun spending time with James Potter, let alone that she'd even grown to care for him in that short bit of time.

Alice laughed. "And he's still alive? Well, that's impressive. By the look on your face when you got down here, I'd almost expect you enjoyed yourself, Miss Evans." Her best friend shot her an almost accusatory glance, grinning all the time.

Frank laughed with her. "Which needless to say means he did, too. He'll be insufferable now that he's won you over, you know. I suspect you're all we'll hear about from now on, not that that's much of a change. The one girl he couldn't get finally in his grasp. Ow!"

Lily frowned, suspecting Frank had just received a swift kick under the table, but nevertheless, she'd heard his words. The one girl he couldn't get. Was that what this day had been about? Conquering the one girl who'd always said no? Suddenly, she felt very foolish indeed, and admittedly, she was quite hurt. Why had she even bothered with him, if she was only the trophy to prove he really could have it all? For the first time in her life, Lily felt stupid.

"Hey Evans," a smug voice whispered almost immediately behind her.

She swirled around and found herself face-to-face with the very man who had both made and destroyed her day. "Yes, Potter?"

The harsh, angry voice she'd been striving for didn't come. Rather, she sounded sad, almost defeated. And by the look on James' face, she guessed he was just as surprised with her tone as she was, though he seemed to recover much faster than she. "I just wanted to ask... Go out with me?"

In those four simple words, her suspicions were verified, but again, she didn't seem to have the anger she'd expected. Lily found, in fact, she was actually sad. Even half an hour ago, those words might have pleased her; she probably, even, would have said yes. But now... Now she never could.

"I can't, Potter. I'm sorry." Her voice was hollow, and she rose quickly. "And I lied. I regret it. So much."

And with that, she took one look at James' startled face and fled the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Lily found herself alone in the common room, much to her relief. Right now, she could not be Head Girl Lily Evans; she could not handle nagging the first years for their constant chatter, lecturing the Marauders for their nonstop pranks, or attempting to guide her prefects through patrol schedules and their O.W.L. exams. No, it was best she be alone.

A hot tear slid down the redhead's face, but she made no attempt to brush it away. Instead, she slumped over in the nearest chair and just let it flow, allowing it to be joined by others.

She was so confused. She hated James Potter; she always had, and according to her plans, she always would. And why shouldn't she? He was arrogant and self-serving, and he was far too concerned with keeping his bloody hair a mess. He was awful to the people around him, and his goal in life seemed to be drawing attention to himself.

No, that was unfair. She didn't _hate_ James. Detest, absolutely, but the hatred had died out somewhere in past years. And though he _was_ arrogant, and he did ruffle his hair too often, the rest was a stretch. He looked out for Peter, she reminded herself, and this all started because of his concern for Remus today, remember? The only person he was truly awful towards was Severus, and as for drawing attention, he didn't want it from everyone. Only her.

No, she would be lying if she said she hated him, and Lily had been lying to herself often enough these days. _He's not attractive,_ she'd told herself every time he'd flashed her that bright, toothy grin, yet every time her stomach flip-flopped. And throughout the last few months, the stereotypical teenage girl inside her had squealed with delight each time the infamous James Potter asked her out. But she didn't like him; there was no school-girl crush. That would be impractical.

Why, then, had her heart been abandoning practicality? The school-girl crush, the one that wasn't there, had certainly been flaring up a lot lately, but worse, it was developing. She'd finally seen James. Not Potter, the arrogant bigot, but James, the compassionate, loyal, never-say-die Head Boy.

But if he were truly compassionate, would he have used her? Would he have made her his trophy, the last piece of his collection? And had she confused loyalty and persistence with a blind, unending infatuation? Probably. For all she knew, this "James" persona was just a mask, a tool in drawing her to him. Maybe the arrogant bigot, Potter, really was all that existed.

Why, then, did this still hurt? Why did she have tears running down her cheeks? If he really was only the jerk she'd always expected, why did part of her still long to find him, to feel his arms around her, and to say yes to every date invitation he'd ever issued? Because part of her still believed that the underlying James existed, and she had very much fallen for that man, whether her mind okayed it or not.

But that wasn't an option, she argued again. James didn't exist. There was Potter and only Potter; she needed to get this other persona out of her head. It was just a matter of how.

It was days like this that she found herself missing Petunia most. When surrounded by magic and friends, it was easy to think that she didn't need her sister's support, that being labeled a "freak" didn't matter. But on the nights when she was confused and at a loss, Lily couldn't help but think back to the nights spent in their shared bedroom, gossiping about the boys they would someday find and exchanging secrets. On these nights, she wanted nothing more than to go back to her Muggle days in which her sister was right there on every issue.

'You could always write her,' she reminded herself again. 'You haven't written her a letter in a long time... Maybe things have changed.' She knew that was less than likely, much closer to the point of foolishness, but Lily needed her big sister. If it didn't work, she could always talk to Alice... No, of course she couldn't. She didn't want to admit to herself that she might like James, let alone that anything he'd done had hurt her. She was supposed to hate him, and she needed to be stronger than that. She _was _stronger than that. There was no way she could ever admit to anyone who had watched their ongoing battle that he was getting under her skin. Alice was _not_ an option. Besides when she was a kid, she'd always pictured going to Petunia for her first boy advice. She had to try.

_Accio _parchment and quill.

Without any extra thought, Lily began to write.

_Dear Tunie,_

_I know it's been... A long time, to say the least. And I know that you probably don't want to talk to me. But it has nothing to do with my kind or my schooling... It's something we talked about almost all the time when we were little._

_Tunie, I'm so confused. James- he's the boy I told Mom and Dad about- asked me out again; he has every year since we were eleven. But for once, I almost said yes. Then he messed it up again. I don't want to be his trophy, but I don't know what to do._

_I'm sorry this couldn't come by normal post. We don't have a Post Office out here... It's a bit remote. But you can attach your response to the owl. Her name's Apolla, and she's a sweetheart._

_I love and miss you, Petunia,_

**_Lily_**

With that, she rolled and sealed the parchment and took off towards the Owlery feeling a bit better. Petunia would know what to do. Lily had always been able to ask her advice, and so far, she'd never had to regret it. Hopefully this time would be no different.


	5. Chapter 5

Lily did not sleep that night. She tossed and turned, stared at the wall, and even counted owls, but nothing could silence the unceasing war between her mind and her heart. Finally, after hours of restlessness, the redhead slipped silently past her sleeping roommates and settled on the squishiest couch in the common room.

The fire was slowly dying, but Lily found herself immersed in its embers, watching as their evanescent glow colored the surroundings in shades of blazing red and their tamer orange counterparts. From somewhere upstairs, she heard the faintest echo of a snore, but the crackling from the fireplace nearly drowned it out.

She been there for only a short while when once again, the portrait hole swung open. Her mouth opened, and she prepared to lay into Potter for breaking curfew for the second time in two days. But much to her surprise, a sandy brown head appeared in the entrance, looking more bedraggled than she'd ever seen him. "Remus? What are you doing out so late? And how are you feeling? We've missed you the last couple days."

"I'm alright," Remus answered wearily, wincing slightly as he lowered himself into the chair nearest hers. "Better than I have been, at least. I was trying to sneak into the dormitory before everyone else got up. I hate walking into the Great Hall and getting stared at after I've been sick... I'd rather quietly slip in with the rest of the groups." He gave her a tired smile to which she nodded her understanding; Lily could hardly blame him for wanting to avoid awkward conversations, especially after being ill.

"It makes sense to me," Lily replied kindly. "I know I wouldn't want to deal with them, even if I felt good. And you, my friend, still don't look like you feel well. Are you sure you're alright to be out of the hospital wing already?"

Of the Marauders, Lily had grown particularly fond of Remus. At least one week out of every month, the pair patrolled Hogwarts's various corridors and passageways, and over time, an unexpected friendship had blossomed. She'd made it clear from the start that she wanted to hear _nothing_ about James' battle for her attention, and in turn, he'd asked that she not delve too deeply into his absences. Of course, she saw the pattern forming and suspicions developed, but upon his request that she ignore his, "chronic and personal illness," Lily did nothing to check her guesses.

"I'm sure." Remus smiled grimly. "It's our last NEWT year. I can't afford to miss any more classes than I already have. But why are you up at this hour? The sun won't be up for at least another hour, and everyone else won't be up until at _least_ two hours after that."

Lily shrugged, not quite meeting his eyes. "I just couldn't sleep. It happens."

Remus snorted. "Not to you, it doesn't. I'm down here often enough at night to know you're generally not. What's on your mind?"

"I'm confused," she admitted sheepishly. For some reason, Lily felt certain she could trust Remus; no, she could not divulge everything, but she was safe sharing bits and pieces. "Yesterday was just... Confusing."

Her friend's quiet laughter filled the room, but it was short lived. "I'd say you're not the only one who's confused right now. James came to see me earlier, and he's utterly lost at what he did wrong."

A pang of guilt resonated through Lily; she'd never considered that he was just as lost as she was, maybe even more so. She'd finally given him a day, and it had been amazing. Then she'd entirely shut him out. With a sigh, she gave the only answer she could find. "He used me."

"Pardon?" Remus's eyebrows shot up, confusing filling his face. "James wouldn't. Other people, maybe, but he would never use _you_."

Lily gnawed on her bottom lip. As much as she hated admitting anything to anyone who had seen her struggle, the restlessness was wearing on her. _She was stronger than this_, she told herself over and over, but with every utterance, another dose of strength evaporated. Now, in the early hours of the morning, she couldn't help but think her strength was running out. And she trusted Remus; he was her friend, and he wouldn't rib Lily the way her girlfriends would. She had to talk. "I'm his trophy, Remus, and I am not ok with being collected."

"You're anything but a trophy," Remus said quietly, trying to catch her gaze while her emerald eyes flicked everywhere but his own. "Lily, if you were his prize, wouldn't he have given up after your study date in the library? By then, he'd have been under your skin. If you were a prize, that would have been the victory. You don't know very much at all about him anymore, do you?"

"Oh..." Of all the thoughts plaguing her mind, Lily had overlooked that detail. "I didn't really think of that. But I think I know about him. Maybe not as much as you, but I still know something about him."

"What do you know?"

"I know he loves to fly," she started, flashing back to their talk that afternoon. "He hates the Dark Arts and wants to fight You-Know-Who more than anything. I know that he's probably the most arrogant person I've ever met and that he doesn't have to try for most of what he does, but on some things he tries way _too_ hard. He's too persistent and doesn't let go of things he should, he causes more trouble than should be possible, and he _always_ seems to be showing off."

Lily opened her mouth to continue, but Remus stopped her. "Think about the things you just told me, but really look at them. He wants to fight evil, which means he's good. He either doesn't try, because he's really that gifted, or he puts all he has into something he wants, which says he goes all out. Rather than not letting go of things he should, what about saying he has hope, even when all the signs say he shouldn't. But go on... What else do you know about him, in that light?"

"He's unerringly loyal to the people he cares about, and he's passionate. He truly wants to see good be done, and when evil is all around, instead of being afraid, he makes everyone laugh. He _is _a brilliant wizard, and he apparently puts more effort into his studies than I gave him credit for. Oh, and he used to be afraid of heights."

Remus laughed again, and she suspected she'd fallen into a very well-laid trap. "And the man you just described is the kind of person who would use you as a trophy? That's not the James I know, and I think you just proved to me that it's not the James you know either. It might be the old James, but he's changed in the last few years. And I think you may be a part of that."

"Me?"

Her ragged friend nodded, stifling a yawn and looking over her shoulder to see the sun rising through the window. "Yes, you. I won't say everything was because of you, but you made him grow up more than you realize."

Lily frowned, studying her friend's face as the new light graced the common room. She spotted two new scars on his cheek, and his weariness was apparent in the dark shadows under his eyes. What she could not find, however, was any trace of humor; he meant it.

Again, the pair fell into silence, though Lily felt uneasy. What else had she been a part of? And if what Remus said was true, could James really feel more than she'd ever truly believed?

Across from her, she saw Remus nodding off. Feeling almost maternal, she padded across the rug and placed her hand gently his shoulder. "Remus, go to bed. You'll sleep better up there."

He jumped at her touch, but with half-open eyes, he nodded and gingerly rose from the chair. "Think about what we talked about, Lily. I'll see you later."

"Good night, Remus," she whispered, watching him trudge up the stairs. "And thanks. I appreciate it."

Remus muttered something she couldn't quite make out and retreated to his dormitory with a wave. A small smile still on her lips, Lily curled back up in her already-warm spot and dozed off. She wasn't sure how, but some level of peace descended on her from their conversation. As much as she hated to admit it, falling for James seemed much less regrettable than it had only hours before, and she was ok with that.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily barely managed to close her eyes before her roommates' obnoxiously cheerful morning voices dragged her away from what could have been a wonderful sleep.

"Lily! It's time to get up," Alice practically sang, plopping heavily near the red-head's feet. "Come on, sleepy head. We've got to go to breakfast."

Grumbling, Lily pulled herself upright and offered Alice and her three companions a fierce glare before collapsing back against the couch's arm. "'M not hungry... Go-" Yawn. "Without me."

"Oh no." Alice shifted a stray strand of black hair from in front of her eyes and tugged at Lily's hand in what Lily found to be a feeble attempt to make her move. "Just because someone decided to stay up all night, it doesn't mean she gets to sleep all day. Now up and at 'em."

"No."

Her best friend and resident early bird sighed. "I'll hex you."

"No you won't," Lily murmured, squinting up through bleary eyes. "I'd give you detention."

Her eyes drifted closed again, though not before she caught sight of Alice's mischievous grin. "Try me," her friend prompted, poking her with a wand. "I know a wonderful tickling charm I've wanted to try."

Muttering irritably under her breath, Lily pulled herself off the all-too-inviting sofa and trudged upstairs. She had little patience for Alice's up-with-the-sun attitude on good day, and when she'd slept scarcely ten minutes all night, it was difficult to resist the anger bubbling up within her. Alice was relentless, though, and Lily knew better than to argue. Now was the time to get up.

Moments later, she appeared at the top of the staircase looking as put together as she could muster, though it seemed fairly obvious that the Head Girl wasn't entirely herself that day. Rather than cascading freely down her shoulders, her hair was pulled back into a lumpy pony tail, and the bags under her eyes betrayed her insomnia the previous night. But she was awake, just as Alice demanded. "Fine, I'm up. Shall we go then?"

Her voice was curt and generally unpleasant, and she marched to the Great Hall emanating an icy aura that extended at least five feet in every direction. Lily had never liked mornings; she was grumpy, tired, and generally prepared to screech at anyone who had so much as a hair out of place until she was fully awake. And that was on a good day. Today, her patience ran a great deal thinner, and her emotions, staging a protest at her too-early waking, pledged to flip-flop at the drop of a hat. She, of course, believed them.

As it was the morning following a Saturday night, her fellow classmates were still fairly high strung and excited from their adventures the night before. The Marauders, in particular, seemed jubilant, but Lily felt a little less hostile toward them than normal. She guessed they were just excited for Remus's return, and as much as she wished for a reason to attack them, she couldn't justify it when Remus had helped her so last night.

Alice dragged her over to the seats nearest Frank, and Lily sat coolly on the edge of her chair. The food, though appealing to everyone around her, looked less than appetizing, and the longer she stared at it, the greater the draw to her dormitory grew. "Alice, I think I'm going to go back-"

Before she could finish, a flurry of owls flooded the dining hall, and the food was entirely forgotten. Apolla was back, and she carried an envelope. Petunia had replied.

A rush of joy surged through Lily, and she eagerly relieved her bird of its spoil. "Thank you, sweetheart," the excited teen whispered, stroking the owl kindly and offering it a bit of toast off Alice's plate. "I know you flew a long way for this. Go get some rest."

Her owl hooted its gratitude, affectionately nipping Lily's ear before flying off. Lily scarcely noticed, however, for her eyes were intently focused on the envelope that bore her name in her sister's tidy scrawl.

"What d'you have there, Lils?" Alice questioned between bites. "You don't normally get things from home."

Lily shrugged. "Nothing really. Just a letter from the family."

She couldn't bring herself to admit what she was holding. Lily had poured her soul out to Alice a countless number of times after Petunia pushed her to the edge. They couldn't stand each other, Petunia didn't understand... Alice had heard it all, and she would know Petunia hadn't initiated the conversation. And if Lily admitted to writing Petunia, Alice would want to know why, and she'd have to admit to everything with Potter. As much as she hated keeping secrets from her friend, this one was another personal matter best filed away for the time being.

After Alice had turned back to her debate with Frank about the Irish and Bulgarian Quidditch teams, Lily quietly broke the seal on her sister's message. She still scarcely believed Petunia had written back to begin with. Really, she'd expected Apolla to return one morning with a message from her parents or perhaps a small rodent and that to be the end of it. But if Petunia had taken the time to write back, then maybe their relationship wasn't as lost as Lily thought... Maybe if they subtracted magic, they'd be alright.

Suddenly shaky, Lily pulled out and unfolded the letter, and after a brief second of hesitation, she began to read.

_ Lily,_

_ I was most surprised to receive your letter. We haven't rightly spoken in nearly five years, and suddenly, you think it the proper time to ask for boy advice?_

_ I thought I made myself clear. After all the praise for your intelligence you've received, you're still too daft to realize that you are no longer my sister. I do not want to see you, write to you, or communicate with you in any way. I have met and am marrying a normal man, and I am starting a normal life. There is no room in it for freaks like you, and there never will be._

_ I honestly believed you would take the hint when I never answered your hellos or insisted to you that we pretend not to know each other, but apparently I was being optimistic, so allow me to be clearer. Do not contact me, do not visit me, and please do not send that ruddy owl back to my house. I wouldn't have written at all if she hadn't screeched for an hour and refused to leave._

_ It is best we forget the other exists._

_ Sincerely,_  
_ **Petunia Evans**_

Lily felt as though the school's herd of thestrals had suddenly run across her chest. In fact, she would almost welcome their presence over the written beating she'd just received. Petunia's words cut like a knife, slicing Lily open to the core. If she didn't escape soon, the entire Great Hall would see the inner hurt, anger, and confusion bleed out of her, and the strong Lily Evans wouldn't allow that.

"Alice, I'm going back to bed," Lily stated in a hollow voice, one she hoped Alice would chalk up to exhaustion.

She saw her friend's mouth open to reply, but feeling utterly incapable of handling a verbal assault right then as well, Lily cut her off. "I know, I know. I'm supposed to be up with the chickens. But I'm exhausted. I'll see you this afternoon, alright?"

Before Alice could answer, Lily fled the hall, but she made it nowhere near Gryffindor Tower. Instead, she ducked into the nearest corridor and sank to the ground. Of all the things she'd expected from her sister, Lily never anticipated being disowned by post.

"Where'd the old Tunie go?" Lily wept quietly, finally allowing her tears to escape. How she missed the old Petunia. She missed talking until she'd fall asleep mid-sentence; laughing until she cried; and most of all knowing that no matter what happened, her big sister would be her best friend.

She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her arms, the tears still flowing. Nothing this weekend had gone as planned.

"Evans?"

_Including this,_ she inwardly groaned, refusing to lift her face from the safety of her arms. No one needed to see her tears. Especially not Potter. After all, he was the cause of all of this.

"Lily, what's wrong?"

Her mouth opened, but instead of the 'nothing,' she planned, her vocal chords produced a strangled sob. Embarrassed, she tried to silence it, but the prior night's exhaustion disallowed her any control. Lily shook her head slightly, though she knew James well enough to know he wouldn't acknowledge her dismissal even if he did see it.

As if on cue, his body slid down next to hers, and a warm, rough hand brushed gently across her cheek. "Hey now. It's gonna be alright. What's going on?"

Lily silently thrust the letter at him, surprised by the compassion in his voice and feeling desperate for someone to understand. Her stomach still flip-flopped at his touch, but for the first time in her life, she didn't try to stop it. She didn't have the energy, and honestly, she'd lost the will. But she did finally risk looking up, and she was shocked at what she saw.

James' eyes grew darker and darker as he read, and she'd never seen his frown so pronounced. By the time he'd finished, anger danced behind his glasses, and his empty hand was clenched into a tight ball.

"I can't believe her," he seethed, the hand containing the letter now balling up as well and taking the paper with it. "When you told me about her yesterday, you didn't tell me she was this bad. I can't _believe_ her."

Lily frowned. If his compassion had been a surprise, it was nothing compared to the unexpectedness of his fury. "It's ok," Lily whispered half-heartedly, searching desperately for the facade she'd upheld for the last five years. "Really, it's ok."

"It sure as hell is not ok. Lily, do you see yourself?" He finally looked up at her, and his gaze softened slightly. "You are not ok. Your eyes are swollen, your hair's a mess, and your cheeks are as red as Moony's after we depantsed him last week. And for the Lily Evans I know, that is not ok. Why do you always try to pretend nothing can get to you?"

With a shrug, the teen pulled her head fully off her arms and sighed. "Because there's no point in letting it get to me. I can't change it, and obviously no one else can. It's impractical to let it bother me."

James let out an exasperated sigh. "What would you say if this were one of your prefects? Sitting bawling in a corridor, saying it didn't matter just because it couldn't be changed?"

"I'd yell at them," she admitted sheepishly. "Probably tell them they were being stupid."

Her companion laughed and slipped his arm around her shoulder. "Well, I'm not going to yell, but you know what?"

"Hm?"

"You're being _really_ stupid."

Lily snorted, and a mixture of teary snot blew out of her nose, which, though embarrassing, only made her laugh harder. Within seconds, she heard a deep tenor chuckle join in. She quickly fished a handkerchief from the pocket of her robes and wiped her face. "Sorry."

"Don't be," James replied, still chuckling. "I'm glad to hear your laugh. I just never thought it'd be because of a snot rocket gone wild."

She grinned, blushing. "Just when I thought you were finally going to be serious."

"Why would I want to be Sirius?" James quipped easily. "He smells."

Lily gave one more smile, but then her face turned somber. Petunia, however inadvertently, had given Lily every piece of information she needed to make her decision. "Hey James?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you, and- No, don't open your mouth yet, I'm not done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said yesterday and for not giving you a chance... I was wrong." A freedom settled over her as the words passed her lips, and Lily suddenly felt peaceful. She'd been wrong for a long time, and she'd been denying it for even longer. It felt nice, she realized, to admit fault sometimes; she tried not to do it often.

She'd expected James to be happy, maybe angry that she'd put him through everything. For the first time, however, she encountered a speechless James Potter, a sight she never been able to imagine. Finally, the shock faded slightly from his face, and a wary smile took it's place. "Does this mean you'll-"

"Yes, Potter, I'll go out with you. On one condition."

"Let me guess," he started, sounding joyfully sarcastic. "Don't make you regret it?"

"Right."

He laughed. "Well, I haven't yet, have I?"

Lily slid her arm around him, giving him a gentle hug. "No, you haven't."

"Then I won't start here. Trust me, my dear; you'll never have to regret me."

* * *

**The End**


	7. Author's Note

**So... I assume you noticed from the chapter title that this is indeed an author's note.**

**I had a variety of reviewers and readers while I was working on this story, and first off, I want to say thanks to ALL of them. You reading and reviews mean a lot. **

**During that time, I was asked a time or two about a sequel. I had no intention of writing a legitimate one, but I will admit this continued... Sort of. I have a passion for one-shots; I generally don't write series because I rarely finish them. Thus, I have continued this in a set of one shots. I tried to wait until they were finished before I published this note, but I went from having one left to having three, and I'm afraid if I wait, I'll never do it.**

**Each one can stand alone. But if you follow the order in my profile, they continue this story in various incidents throughout the lives of Lily and James. If you want to check it out, I wanted you to know it was there. If you don't want to, then I just want to say thank you again for reading and reviewing. It meant the world.**

**Thanks, and God bless!**

**Sincerely,**

**Linneam  
**


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